Children of Deployed Parents - How do we better serve them?

Recently my friend brought something to my attention that stopped me in my educational tracks - and heightened my overall awareness to new levels.  I've always fancied myself a conscientious educator, but let me ask you a question, how well are we serving the needs of children who's parents are on deployment?

After over two decades of service, I felt a dear friend of mine is qualified to answer so I asked her to be a guest on my blog and share her thoughts.  I'm thankful she agreed.

"The military children of today are dealing with so many uncertainties....beginning with unscheduled deployments.

Generally a sailor will begin a "work-up" cycle before deploying...meaning training out to sea for short periods of ...during this time...the children learn to adjust without the parent.  The remaining parent also learns to balance household/parenting/work without the help of the other parent.

It becomes a crazy balancing act....and my husband and I jokingly refer to it as tag team parenting.  One of us was always in a work-up/deployed status...while the other one was on shore duty.

I think it is best to refer to a recent episode of my best friend...

R spent her lifetime with her dad on "shore duty" status....he was in the training track for flight school, therefore she has had to deal with a deployment yet.  They moved to San Diego...where new surroundings can be overwhelming for a 3 year old.  Daddy deploys within a couple of months...and she is forced to deal with his absence almost immediately.  Any parent can imagine the psychological impact, deployed families can tell you how a mother feels when left to deal with a sudden departure of Dad when he's been a constant fixture up to this point.

R is a daddy's girl.  The deployment proves challenging for both P (mom) and R...temper tantrums ensue with almost no relief.

Adjustment to a new city, new home...and no daddy are taking their toll.

After several months go by...both learn to deal with the situation...but it does not come easy.  P finds a preschool to help R stay occupied...but this only complicates issues as everyone else's daddy is able to come to the school to participate.

When Daddy finally gets home...it's as if he was never gone.  R remarkably goes back to the sweet little girl she always was and temper tantrums and crying spells stop.

A couple of months goes by...and Daddy is being deployed out of cycle....and the process starts over. This is a different situation....because usually there is a turnaround period where the parent is home for a while....not the case here.  

The temper tantrums start...her acting out is class starts...and Mom is left to deal with something she can't control.  Nothing seems to put R in the right frame of mind.  She misses her Dad...and it is unfair that her daddy had to go again.  This is really hard to explain to a young child.  This time I am there to help out...but only because I have dealt with this....do I even begin to know how to help her.

Here's an example:

In March of 2012, the USS John C. Stennis (JCS) and her embarked airwing (5500 sailors total) returned from a 7 month deployment.

In April...the the same ship went out to sea for a couple of weeks.

In June...she again went out to sea for a couple of weeks with her airwing....only to be told that they would be deploying in July.  Recent news is that this will be upwards of an 11 month deployment.  5500 sailors and their families are affected.  I can't begin to tell the compounding numbers with regards to children are.  Babies are being born every week without daddy.  Kids are going to school and haven't had their parent for the last 18 months.

Just because the kids are older, doesn't make it any easier.  Too many times my boys needed a father figure for problems etc.....and let me tell you how many times I had the "talk" with my girls prior to deploying...so they knew what to expect with respect to their menses....how embarrassing it is to ask your dad for supplies.

I have yet to have been blessed with a DOD school where all the kids in school went through the same emotions...my kids have always been in public schools and didn't get the opportunity to have someone to go through it with them.  The older one's suffer in silence.  The younger ones don't process it very well.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Each child handles the deployment differently.  Embrace the differences.
2. Communicate with the parents.  Write letters to deployed service members.  Make it safe for parents who are at home to ask questions and receive support.
3. Challenging behaviors are an opportunity to help a child process the deployment.
4. Understanding goes a long way.
5. If there are other parents who's loved ones are deployed, facilitate support groups.  The classroom can be a community of support."

To all the men and women who serve, thank you.  We endeavor to care for your children and we are grateful that you trust us with your most precious gifts.  Thank you Brenda, for your service, and for being an incredible mother, wife, and friend.

On we go!

Principal Sharp